Saturday, April 30, 2011

At the top

Life has sometimes been described as a roller coaster. Well, at this moment in time, my husband and I might be sitting at the top, hovering for a few seconds while the anticipation and fear build before rushing down with our hearts in our throats.

Maybe it's a good thing, for my husband's sake, that I'm not the kind of woman that pins her hopes on a safe and secure life; that I don't fret and worry about living comfortably. Because if I were that kind of woman, I might not now be encouraging him to quit his job, regardless of whether or not he has a new one lined up.

Oh, some people would probably look down on me for that. Think I'm foolish and irresponsible. Wrong. Naive. Ungrateful, even, for suggesting that my husband become unemployed at a time like this, when so many people want employment and can't find it. And what about the children?!

Oh well!

When my husband says that for the first time in his life, he feels as if his job is endangering his soul, and that he needs to get out - and speaks in a manner that suggests his moral fortitude and integrity are under assault, and that he's standing on the line and wavering - well, that sounds like he's being given a warning - that he's being told it's time to find another road to walk on. But he was still vacillating - no responsible man with a wife and children he loves wants to set aside the job that is providing their food, clothing and shelter if he can help it. So he would speak of getting out, but then speak of the possibility for promotion and how that might make things easier, or speak of how maybe this wasn't a warning, and was instead just his own reaction to stress.

But this last week two of the people in his chain of command decided he'd done something wrong, that he'd stepped out of line, and punished him for it - without even asking for his side of the story, and claiming that his report of the incident in question was bullshit, despite two other coworkers verifying what had happened. The two supervisors never even spoke to him, directly - he learned this from the person that had until this incident been part of his chain of command as well, and whom he has worked with before. This person managed to deflect and alleviate the worst that could have happened, convincing them to make the punishment assigning my husband to a less desirable duty elsewhere - but he made it clear that my husband's career was more than likely over. It's unlikely my husband would get fired, because it's a job that is difficult to get fired from unless a person does something truly egregious (or ends up on the news), but it was unlikely there would ever be a chance for promotion as long as the chain of command remains what it is.

So, as far as I'm concerned, that's the sign right there. That's the roadblock saying "find another route." He's supposed to get an answer soon (hopefully next week), one way or another, about the position he applied for, that would get him out of his current position and entail only a minor pay cut in the process. If he gets it, life goes on much the same as before as far as finances go - we'll still be able to pay our bills and save money, and my husband gets to do something he wants to do that should have a lot less stress involved. The roller coaster never tips over the edge.

If he does not get the position...

Is there something wrong with me, that I'm actually excited by the possibility that he won't get this job? That we'll be standing at a crossroads that has grown from two intersecting highways to a tangle of roads and overpasses and underpasses and railroads and sidewalks and runways, with no map to make any sense of it?

We have three children, and we would like more, God-willing. Our current savings won't go very far in today's economy. I'm in poor health, awaiting lab results to find out if it's something serious, or just something that will require time and effort on my part to correct. We might lose our insurance. We might end up on welfare (again). I might have to go back to work, alternating schedules with my husband so that one of us can always be home with the children. We might lose our house and our excellent credit rating. We might end up in the "bad part of town" where my husband runs the risk of running into unsavory people that remember his face and that hate him.

And yet, I'm calm because I know God can get us through anything, and that if we're living in a tent in the woods and scrounging food from dumpsters (that's not likely to happen, but my brain does like to produce worst-case scenarios), He'd still be there with us, fulfilling what Jesus said, that He will clothe us and feed us. Seek My kingdom first, and all these things will be taken care of.

There is, in fact, deep down, a tiny part of me that is giddy with the possibility of shaking off our comfortable almost-middle-class existence. Maybe, maybe, it says, we could finally escape Florida! Anything is possible! And then it's answered by another part of me that says, dourly, that maybe we would actually end up living with his parents and my husband would be miserable and everything would be strained and bleak and unhappy and I'd feel more trapped than ever before...

Oh well!

There are times, even when I'm thanking God for the fountain of blessings in my life, that I've wondered if this comfortable life wasn't a form of bondage, keeping us distracted from the truly important things in life, and inhibiting our growth, spiritually, rather than aiding it. So I can't really truly fear change and the possibility of very difficult times ahead, because I know those are the times when God can really polish our spirits into something beautiful reflecting His glory.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Somewhere out there is a mother whose head I would like to slam, over and over, into the concrete until it split like a melon, while screaming "what the fuck were you thinking, you narcissistic, stupid cunt?!"

She deserves the profanity, and a whole lot more. I won't go into the sordid reasons why, but my younger sister and her husband (the mother in question is his ex-wife) are currently going to court to attempt to restrict her access to her eight-year-old daughter, who has become my sister's step-daughter and my niece by marriage. Please, please pray that Father would intercede on their behalf and that the courts would decide in favor of my sister and her husband, and that my niece would be rescued from the hands of a woman that obviously has not the least idea of what love really is.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I admit, I don't spend a lot of time studying people's efforts to disprove the existence of God, so don't be too shocked that this was the first time I recall seeing this quote - on a motivational-style poster titled "Atheists, winning since 33 A.D.":

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? - Epicurus

Gasp! Oh no, you've disproved the existence of a good God! Atheists have won and religious folk have just had their head buried in the sand for 2000 years!

Oh wait, there's this little thing called free will... I don't know if Epicurus was familiar with the Torah or the prophets or the Gospel, but the only way someone could think this quote is a sign of atheists winning is if they know nothing about Christian teachings.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I've been going through another dry spell as far as writing goes. The inspiration just isn't there. However, I've discovered that even with my incredibly crappy skill, point & shoot digital cameras can produce some very nice pictures. So I've started stopping to take pictures of some of the pretty spots I pass driving through rural Florida on my way to visit my husband's parents. Unfortunately, my camera is old and slowly dying, so most of the pictures I've been taking have ended up out-of-focus. This inspired me to take a look at new digital cameras, where I found one on sale for $80, down from $120, which has 14.1 megapixels to my current camera's 5.1 (apparently the minimum now is 10). So, I splurged and ordered it, and it should be here this week. I'm so excited! (I know, I know - everyone's an amateur photographer now.)

This is a picture of the pretty roses that bloomed in my backyard a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, they met a cruel end when our rotten dog slipped her collar (again) and decided they looked like a tasty snack.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Okay, facebook is not so bad after all

My sister Jo just found a friend of ours that we lost touch with a decade ago, and whom we'd been trying (unsuccessfully) to find a way to contact for years. She was as happy to hear from us as we were to find her, and said she'd been trying (also unsuccessfully) to get back in touch with us. This has made my day!