I'm not exactly a typical female, something for which I am quite grateful. I've had glimpses into what I call the "feminine hive mind" and it frightens me. I hate feminism. I'm pro-life, pro-gun and anti-nanny state. Some of my preferred activities include World of Warcraft and playing Dungeons & Dragons (the offline, D20 version). To the quiet chagrin of my mother-in-law, but the appreciation of my husband, I refused to have the fuss of a 'real' wedding. I like pretty clothes and high heels but feel far more comfortable in jeans and sandals. This does not mean I'm masculine though - I routinely ask my husband to open jars or carry heavy things for me!
There is one area that reveals just how much of a feminine side I do have, though, and that is my taste in books and movies. I'm watching one of my favorite movies of all time - Rodgers & Hammerstein's The Sound of Music. I love everything about this movie - the story, the music, the cast, the scenery, the costumes. There's an innocence and a wholesome quality that is just about entirely lacking from any modern fare. It's beautiful. It's the kind of movie I break out if I'm feeling physically ill or in need of something soothing for my soul. I'm glad I have a daughter and I hope that, whatever type of personality she ends up with, she'll enjoy watching this with me.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I have no regrets.
Oh, I have concerns. Serious concerns about things like putting my oldest in public school next fall and the effects working a night shift is having on my husband and his relationship with me and the children. But given a choice between being single and living in Tennessee near my family or being here, in hated Florida with my husband and children, I would choose the latter without hesitation. This is what I wanted. Not the smaller, finer details perhaps, but the bigger picture.
As a teenager, my mother attended quite a few revivals and charismatic-oriented congregations and bible studies. The 'last days' seemed to be a subject on everyone's mind and I developed a morbid, obsessive belief that the apocalyptic events of Revelation were right around the corner and that the world (as I knew it) would be ending very soon. This made me angry. I knew, with my head, that the return of our Messiah is something I should look forward to with joy - but in truth, all I could think about was the fact that my life would be over without ever having really lived it. I felt gypped. I remember griping about this to God in mental conversations - feeling guilty because I just wanted a chance to live a normal life - to grow up, get married and have a family of my own.
Well, here I am. Grown up, married, with a precious family of my own. I'm so grateful that God let me experience this. It's a gift I don't deserve, and I still feel selfish that I want this time with them when I could be eagerly looking forward to the return of my Messiah. But there it is - the world can go on groaning under the weight of its sorrow while I fervently thank Father for my children and cherish the fact that our daughter has reached her first birthday in peace and safety. I know that nothing is certain. I do not know what the next years, or even the next days or hours, hold for me and for my family - but I do know that I've been given time I never expected to have. Despite the snarly, tangled disagreements I have with my husband, despite the depression I've been experiencing, despite the fear I have for the future...
I have no regrets.
Oh, I have concerns. Serious concerns about things like putting my oldest in public school next fall and the effects working a night shift is having on my husband and his relationship with me and the children. But given a choice between being single and living in Tennessee near my family or being here, in hated Florida with my husband and children, I would choose the latter without hesitation. This is what I wanted. Not the smaller, finer details perhaps, but the bigger picture.
As a teenager, my mother attended quite a few revivals and charismatic-oriented congregations and bible studies. The 'last days' seemed to be a subject on everyone's mind and I developed a morbid, obsessive belief that the apocalyptic events of Revelation were right around the corner and that the world (as I knew it) would be ending very soon. This made me angry. I knew, with my head, that the return of our Messiah is something I should look forward to with joy - but in truth, all I could think about was the fact that my life would be over without ever having really lived it. I felt gypped. I remember griping about this to God in mental conversations - feeling guilty because I just wanted a chance to live a normal life - to grow up, get married and have a family of my own.
Well, here I am. Grown up, married, with a precious family of my own. I'm so grateful that God let me experience this. It's a gift I don't deserve, and I still feel selfish that I want this time with them when I could be eagerly looking forward to the return of my Messiah. But there it is - the world can go on groaning under the weight of its sorrow while I fervently thank Father for my children and cherish the fact that our daughter has reached her first birthday in peace and safety. I know that nothing is certain. I do not know what the next years, or even the next days or hours, hold for me and for my family - but I do know that I've been given time I never expected to have. Despite the snarly, tangled disagreements I have with my husband, despite the depression I've been experiencing, despite the fear I have for the future...
I have no regrets.
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